The Guide to 8 Levels of Sewer

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There’s 8 levels of the sewers. Your average TSR catnip addict probably wouldn’t believe it, but it’s true. Several have gone down there, not many come back. It’s a local legend, most believe it’s only a myth, but, it’s true. That gate they keep everyone from getting inside is actually the entrance to an area that is called “level 2” of the sewers. It’s not gonna be exciting if you’re not there for catnip, because that’s pretty much all it is. Guards and catnip, that’s really it. But there are many more levels deeper than level 2. Compared to level 7 and 8, 2 and 3 is for babies. Speaking of 2, that level has many entrances to deeper and darker places. A lot of them are traps, though. Now of course you want to get to level 3 without all of that stuff, but your only options are to either crawl through a really long 1x1x1 foot hole, fall in a trapdoor and hope you end up in the right place or dig for several agonizing hours, so you have to choose. Think of level 2 as a gateway between the normal surface sewers and the deeper and darker parts.

Now, assuming you managed to slip your way through and get to level 3, I’ll tell you how to get around there, too. There’s a lot of stolen gadgets there. Pricey, but could be useful for the horrors you could encounter in the lower levels. Anyways, you should be pretty cautious in this level, since almost everyone is hostile around here, and well, that’s not gonna really change once you go further down. Don’t trust ANYBODY. No matter how nice they seem. If you see anything that looks like a living being, distance yourself if you can. It sounds like overreacting, but in levels 3-4+, everybody and everything is searching for prey. Don’t say you weren’t warned about it if you end up in Chelsea’s Speaking Room because you found a nice cat that offered you some catnip. Also, before we continue to level 4, you should really get a flashlight. You’ll need that flashlight eventually for level 5 and beyond.

Anyways, to get to level 4 you need to decrypt a code. I can’t tell you even if I wanted to because I don’t know it myself. I have entered, but the trick is that they change the code very frequently. So have fun spending your time guessing and pressing buttons to open a door, which will eventually sound a alarm due to too many wrong attempts and getting captured. To actually get through this door, you need to have advanced knowledge in computer stuff, and electrical stuff, too. Try unscrewing the little plate then rearranging some things to try and change the code. Yeah that’s really hard, but I heard there’s a genius cat in level 3 that could help you. Just follow the signs “SMART KAT: SURVICE FOR ONLI $5.99”. You’ll get there eventually, and don’t worry, he isn’t hostile. Now after you hired that cat to open the door, you need to do 1 thing immediately after entering: run. Run as far into the entrance as you can and hide like you’re doing it for your life. Well, you are doing it for your life, but, you know what I mean. A few seconds later a Chelsea’s Speaking Room member will check the area and see who opened to verify if they are a member. If there’s nobody around, hopefully they’ll assume it was a game of ding dong ditch. Ok, now that you’re in, you need a disguise to not be attacked while walking down hallways of level 4. When the members are gone and the site is clear, follow the sign: “S-49”. When the sign stops, look forward to where the front sign was pointing to, take a left, walk past a set of hallways then take a right at the dead end, then open the door directly in front of you. This is the storage room. I’m assuming they still keep their unused member outfits in there, so find one of those. You’ll know it’s the outfit when you see it. Now put the outfit on, then just act normal. If somebody speaks to you, speak in a clear and weird sounding voice as they do, assuming you’ve already heard them before. If they question you, just start talking about Chelsea’s Speaking Room and how great it is.

Before entering level 4, I recommend reading “The Guide To The Speaking Room” by Fuzzball Schwartz. It’s a very good guide on how to act and behave as a member and try to fit in, in order to get through level 4. You can find the book at any typical book shop from sewers levels 1-3. Only costs about $3.99. Ok, anyways, now that you’re walking around pretending to be a member, take a right, now go forward, then take a right again. You should see a map. It will say “YOU ARE HERE” with a little dot. Now locate the red square at the end of a hallway. That’s the exit to the other side. All you have to do now is to navigate through hallways and direct towards the exit. After exiting, open up the trapdoor nearby, and congratulations, you’re now in level 5, with those... things... Uh, anyways, there won’t be anymore people anymore besides the very few CSR members which is not helpful at all. Be prepared and alert throughout your entire journey starting from now and in the future, until you exit. Try not to make a single sound or else they will hear you, and find you. Whatever you do, stay alert, be armed and prepared, and do NOT go any other direction except for forward. Keep your flashlight you bought from the shop on at all times, but do NOT shine it in any other direction than forward.

Now, eventually you’ll hit a dead end. Now, very carefully, slowly turn right, flashlight moving slow, no noises, and don’t be too fast. Once you’ve turned right, there’s no other option but to face at least a few creatures in order to get to level 6. Keep going forward, and you’ll meet a entity explorers call “The Light Man”. It’s a humanoid looking thing, it’s skin is a grayish color, and it doesn't have much of a face, just glowing eyes that have about the same brightness as a light bulb. No ears or hair, just a blank bald figure with glowing eyes. You’ll know it when you see it. After walking down the hallway for a while, the light man is probably going to pop up about 5-10 feet from you. Don’t panic, or make a noise. Don’t even move a muscle. It’ll stay there for about 30-60 seconds, then walk away. After that horrifying staring contest, continue slowly walking forward, and then you’ll encounter another unholy figure. This one is called “Grumpy Gargle”. It’s a brown rock with black stick like limbs, and no face. It constantly emits a gargle-like noise. I didn’t wanna tell you this at first but I have to. You have to fight it. I know, scary, but don’t worry, it’s easy. When it tries to strike, catch in your hand and simply throw it on the ground. Not that hard, but leave quick, it can regenerate in 3-5 minutes, so you ought to get going. Now, the scariest part. It’s assumed you’re going to go through 2-6 more creatures that randomly pop out, so we can’t tell you how to deal with those creatures since we don’t know what you’ll encounter. Just remember this: If it’s still and silent, don’t make a noise or move a muscle. If it’s not attacking you, but still moving around a little bit, prepare for attack and be very alert. If it plain just attacks you, you know what to do obviously, fight back. I'm sure you’ll defeat them with relative ease. After going through those creatures while ALWAYS going directly forward, you should finally be out of level 5. But don’t be relieved, level 6 is even worse. It’s nicknamed “The Side You Never Want To See” for a reason. I have one word for you when entering: prepare. I recommend recovering and relaxing a bit in a quiet corner near the entrance to level 6 for better chance of survival.

Now that you’re feeling better, you can enter level 6. Like I said, prepare. OK, first of all, do the same thing you did in level 5, one direction, stay still, flashlight, all of that stuff. Messing up by a few centimeters with movement  and you’re doomed. You’ll eventually encounter a rusty table dimly light up with a hanging light bulb from the ceiling, hovering over it. Once you see this blob, you need to run as far as possible. Immediately take a right, go forward until you see the dead end, then go left and open the door in front of you and close it with you inside. You need to hide there and not move a muscle, try not to breathe or blink a lot. It can sense the smallest of motion, it can even sense your heartbeat. The blob then transforms into the most horrifying creature imaginable. This varies based off of the victim’s personal fears. Oh, also, don’t think a lot, it can also sense brain activity. Yeah, creepy, I know. Anyways, there’s a 85% chance it’ll find you due to heartbeats, blinking etc. Don’t fight back and just accept your fate if it does catch you. Now, I know it sounds like you’re going to die here, but there is a way to escape this situation. It will leave you in a room where you are cooked on a sort of stick. Don’t worry, though. Usually in the back of the room, there are creatures known as “Heart Snails”. These are neon green colored snails with a red shell, and when placed anywhere on your body, it will stick on, then your heart will suddenly become motionless. Don’t worry, you’re not dying, the heart snail stops your heart for some strange reason yet keeps you alive. It’s not known how they do this, but it will help you. They’re also harmless. By the way, you don’t need to catch a heart snail, if you try and taunt them they’ll slither over to you on do their job. Now you’re probably wondering, what does a heart stopping green snail have to do with not being eaten alive? A lot, actually. You see, the creature only cooks and eats things that move for some strange reason. If your heart is stopped, not breathing too much and closing your eyes so you don’t have to blink, it will think you’re motionless throw you out of its chamber and leave you alone. Ok, thanks heart snails, but what now? I’ve got some bad news for you. At this point returning to the surface is nearly impossible. Yes, quite a few have returned but they have trained for years.

Anyways, you now have to prepare for the worst. Walk forward a bit and open a rusted door. Inside you will see a nicely lighten up, comfy area with furniture and a few magazines scattered on a table. There’s a Windows on a side of the room, which seems like a waiting room. Don’t be fooled by its pleasant looks though, looks can be deceiving. You should sit down and wait until something happens though. Always be alert and don’t be distracted by a magazine or nice patterns on a couch pillow. There are creatures waiting for you to be vulnerable to being attacked. Wait 30-45 minutes there, and you’ll here a ding noise. A normal person will be behind the window calling out your name. Don’t think you’re safe, they aren’t who you think they are. Follow them to wherever they lead you to, but when they seat you down, start to pretend that you’re in pain. Complain about a fake stomach ache or anything like that. They will be tricked while trying to trick you thinking how they could destroy you with different tools in a different room. But, they’re the one being fooled. You see, in the room that they’ll send you into for an ache has a tool that can help you escape. It’s a long amazon box. While they exit the room getting their tools, grab the box and obtain the crowbar inside of it. Break the wall facing opposite of the door, and run out with the crowbar. Welcome to level 7. First off, you need to rūń away from thē room. T̏̆h̏ën, ỷ́oû̑̚ n̉ĕed ẗo #/$̽̏̄͡)̆̀$̄﷼̇̊%%̚̚%%̽̚[!...̊

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[THIS INFORMATION HAS BEEN REMOVED BY THE ADMINS OF THE CAT SOCIETY]

Info
Retrieved from a USB port nearby the writer of this article's computer.

The writer of this article's identity shall be left anonymous for privacy and safety purposes.

A short interview was conducted a few days after discovering the USB. He said he wrote the article a few years back, without the removed information. Strangely enough, the information was suddenly gone when he put it in the USB. He said it was intended to be an e-book of some sort to inform the public about the lower depths.